According to Hollywood, “love means never having to say you’re sorry.” And that’s all fine well for Hollywood but in REAL life, love means having to say you’re sorry quiet often. So often we say it to our partners and loved ones that half the time we don’t mean it or don’t even know for what we’re apologizing (a nod to the fellas out there as this seems to be an oft-mentioned behavior for them). But I digress…The point I’m trying to make is that we should apologize to each other when our actions or behaviors have caused hurt feelings or damaged something.
I was recently on the giving end of an apology and that situation has caused me to think a lot about what it means to apologize, how I felt before and how I felt after. I’ve boiled it down to an easy two step process which I will explain.
STEP 1: Say It
“I’m sorry for (fill in your error here)”
This may seem like an obvious step but it is the hardest one to make. In my recent experience I wanted to justify my position and give my reasons that led to hurting the one I love. You may feel like that too but avoid stating your case. What was done has been done and cannot be undone. So just do it already and leave all those reasons out of it. You’re apology will be more genuine if you do.
Another thing to remember is that you’re not apologizing for the other person’s feelings but for YOUR actions. “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you’re upset” are not apologies. If you feel like either of these statements fits the situation then try validating instead of apologizing with something like, “I know this must be hard for you to hear” or “I know that by doing (insert whatever it is you did here) I’ve hurt your feelings”.
Step one should be a nice, tidy statement free of excuses and tangents after which you follow up with step two. You’ve already done the hard part so the next part should be a breeze!
STEP 2: Fix It.
“How can I make it better?”
Ask how you can repair the situation in order to get back to that comfy, loving and trusting place where we all want to be. Hopefully, the response you get is reasonable and doable and if it isn’t ask for it. Things that are doable are things you CAN do in the future like call when you’ll be late or ask before making plans (as opposed to un-doable like “don’t stay out that late again”). If it’s something vague then ask for clarity. Only make promises you can keep.
That’s it, you’re done and hopefully you’re apology was a success! If it wasn’t then just keep repeating the process until you get it right. After you’ve made your apology if your partner is not able to move on by choosing to pout about their hurt feelings or tries to punish you for your mistake then it’s time to examine the relationship. How your partner chooses to respond is up to them. You’ve done what you should and it’s time to move forward. That being said, not all liberties,mistakes or indiscretions can be healed quickly and some are irreparable, like cheating or murder. But I hope you never have to apologize for those. Like with all things practice makes perfect. Lucky for us, we live in the real world where we get the opportunity to apologize all the time.