Spring is here- the harbinger or rebirth and renewal, promising new life, new love and pleasant times ahead. Spring is beautiful here in Austin with wildflowers blooming and the rocky gray white landscape interrupted with lush greenery. But I especially love the dark, drizzly days with grey skies and light breezes. It’s these grey days that strum my heartstrings reminding me of the promise of love and of heartbreak. That exquisite blend of hopefulness and heartache is what has inspired this month’s blog.

Too often, when we encounter “love” we unknowingly project onto that person or relationship a promise or expectation of happiness and fulfillment. Little do we realize, we are setting ourselves up for later disappointment. We are seeing only the promises of what we want and not who we are pinning with all our hopes and dreams; and too often fail to see the projections they have placed onto us. Heartbreak inevitably follows. So we go out for a guys night or girls night and wake up the next day with the same heartbreak and now a hangover.

If we are lucky, we successfully navigate this disturbance within the relationship and find a deeper connection albeit with less romanticized ideation.

From this more “real” place a stronger and more durable relationship can take root. Things may seem “better” and indeed the connection between partners is stronger but life together actually gets harder. That seems counter-intuitive but it’s true. It’s only a fact of life that humans keep growing and changing. The person you say “I do” to may be the person of your dreams but there’s no guarantee that she will be the person of your dreams one, two or 20 years later. That’s why everyone, EVERYONE who is or has been married is constantly saying how hard marriage is.

Yes, as a married person, I can confirm- marriage is work. I used to hate, (HATE!) hearing this statement from others when I complained about life, marriage, parenting, etc. The thought in my head was always “What the hell? Do you think I’m NOT working at it?! UGH!” I did not say this of course in quite that way, but I did check it out with my mom once and “of course!” she knew I was working at it. That’s when I realized that the statement “marriage is work” is just something veterned partners say because they don’t know what else to say. 

People who’ve been married for years are often just as surprised as the rest of the world that they’ve made it and just as uncertain as to how. The best response to the question of how to stay married for a long time was “just don’t get divorced.” I appreciate the honesty and simplicity but depending on where you are in your relationship this comment can sound reasonable or Absolutely Crazy.

So maybe you take the advice, maybe you don’t. Then springtime comes again and you decide to plant a garden. You realize how exciting, dirty, and difficult it can be and just how satisfying it is to look at mounds of soil YOU toiled. You are not projecting your hopes and dreams onto those seeds though it would be nice to see them grow. And when you planted squash, it’s unlikely it will grow into a tomato. In short, you get what you plant. The joy you get from tending your garden is heightened when you get blooms not because of them.

Gradually, you realize what the old Chinese proverb was all about. You wonder how you ever got along without a garden and vow to never live without one again! And then, you fall in love again . . . . This time it’s different though. (But really, it’s not).

If any or part of this article is familiar to you or see yourself cycling through romance and heartbreak, don’t worry. There’s a book for that. I highly, HIGHLY recommend How to be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo. In fact, any of his books would be useful. He’s my all-time hero on all things Adult. Other titles include: How to be an Adult, Daring to Trust, How to be an Adult in Love and When the Past is Present.