The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” has been ingrained in our cultural discourse, often used to simplify complex human behavior. While infidelity is undoubtedly a breach of trust in a relationship, labeling someone as destined to repeat this behavior perpetuates a harmful and limiting perspective. In this blog post, we will delve into why the saying is problematic and provide evidence that challenges this oversimplified notion.

The Complexity of Human Behavior:

1. People Change and Grow: Human beings are not static entities; we evolve, learn, and adapt. People who have cheated in the past can change their behavior through self-reflection, therapy, and personal growth.
2. Context Matters: The saying ignores the context in which infidelity occurred. Individual circumstances, relationship dynamics, and personal struggles all play a role in decisions made. It’s reductionist to label someone’s character based solely on a single action.
3. Personal Transformation: People can genuinely regret their actions and work toward becoming better individuals. They might realize the pain they caused and commit to rebuilding trust.

Problematic Implications of the Saying:

1. Destiny Over Choice: The saying implies that cheating is an inherent trait, negating the idea of personal agency and the ability to make conscious choices.
2. Barriers to Change: Branding someone as a perpetual cheater can discourage them from seeking help, growth, or redemption. It discourages accountability and improvement.
3. Dismissal of Complexity: Relationships are intricate, influenced by emotions, communication styles, and external factors. Reducing infidelity to a catchphrase ignores this complexity.

Challenging the Myth:

1. Research on Change: Studies show that individuals who have cheated in the past can change their behavior. Dr. Tammy Nelson, a sex therapist, notes that infidelity can often be a catalyst for personal growth and improved communication.
2. Therapeutic Interventions: Therapists, such as Dr. Esther Perel, emphasize the potential for healing and rebuilding trust after infidelity. Many couples seek therapy to address the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity.
3. Case Studies: Real-life stories abound of couples overcoming infidelity and building stronger relationships. These stories demonstrate that the trajectory of a relationship isn’t necessarily determined by a single action.

The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” oversimplifies the complexity of human behavior, relationships, and personal growth. People have the capacity to change, learn, and make amends for their mistakes. It’s important to challenge this myth and recognize that transformation is possible. Holding onto this saying perpetuates a harmful narrative that hinders growth, personal agency, and the potential for healthy, evolved relationships. If you need help recovering from infidelity or cheating please reach out to us. We’re here to guide you through rebuilding trust.

References:

• Nelson, T. (2017). When cheating leads to personal growth. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-monogamy/201712/when-cheating-leads-personal-growth
• Perel, E. (2018). Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved. TED. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved
• Mark, K. P., Janssen, E., & Milhausen, R. R. (2011). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(971), 971-982.
• Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
• Spring, J. A. (2012). After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. Harper Paperbacks.