The Impact of Weaponized Incompetence on Relationships and Parenting

Back to school time always brings parenting and division-of-labor issues directly in the spotlight. Making lunches, prepping laundry, meeting teachers, etc. exposes who’s doing the lion share of work in what should be an equal distribution of labor that is raising children (whether co-parents cohabitate or not!). This issue comes up a lot in sessions with couples who are raising children. In the complex landscape of relationships and family dynamics, a relatively new term has emerged: “weaponized incompetence.” This concept refers to the deliberate use of one’s lack of skill, knowledge, or effort as a tactic to evade responsibilities or manipulate situations. Have you ever said or been told, “You’re just better at it”? This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence. As weaponized incompetence infiltrates relationships, its repercussions can extend beyond the immediate issue, influencing even the parenting dynamic within a family and sexual desire between the couple. In this blog post, we will define weaponized incompetence, delve into its impact on relationships, and explore how it can lead to default parenting roles.

Defining Weaponized Incompetence:

Weaponized incompetence is a strategic behavior where an individual feigns ignorance or ineptitude to avoid taking on responsibilities or obligations within a relationship. This could encompass tasks such as household chores, financial management, decision-making and even parenting. While incompetence may initially appear benign, its intentional manipulation can erode trust and lead to imbalances in a partnership.

Impact on Relationships:

1. Erosion of Trust: Weaponized incompetence chips away at trust between partners. When one individual consistently avoids their share of responsibilities, it leaves the other partner to bear the burden. This can breed resentment, eroding the foundation of trust and cooperation that healthy relationships require.
2. Communication Breakdown: The deliberate use of incompetence disrupts open communication. Partners may become hesitant to discuss concerns, fearing confrontation or the potential for excuses.
3. Emotional Strain: The imbalance created by weaponized incompetence can lead to emotional strain. The burdened partner may experience stress and burnout, while the other partner may harbor guilt or anxiety about their manipulative behavior.
4. Desire Discrepency: Alone, each of these items is toxic to a couple’s sexual relationship and, in my experience, a leading cause of desire discrepancy.

Weaponized Incompetence and Default Parenting:

As weaponized incompetence infiltrates a relationship, its impact can extend into the realm of parenting, leading to the phenomenon known as default parenting. Default parenting occurs when one partner assumes the majority of childcare and household responsibilities due to the other partner’s feigned incompetence. This imbalance can strain both the parenting partnership and the overall relationship.

1. Unequal Parenting Roles: Weaponized incompetence can result in a lopsided distribution of parenting duties. The competent partner may naturally take on more responsibilities, perpetuating traditional gender roles and limiting the other partner’s growth as a parent. Both partners are complicit in creating this dynamic.
2. Impact on Children: Children are perceptive and can internalize imbalanced parenting dynamics. Witnessing one parent consistently avoiding or being exempted from responsibilities can send mixed messages about cooperation, responsibility, and gender roles.
3. Strain on Partnership: Default parenting due to weaponized incompetence can strain the parenting partnership. The competent partner may feel overwhelmed and unsupported, while the other partner misses out on the opportunity to contribute meaningfully to their children’s lives. The default parent does not want to have to tell the other partner what things need to be done or how to do them. The exempted partner is often confused by their partner’s mood and frustration (and lack of desire later!)

Weaponized incompetence, a behavior rooted in manipulation and avoidance, can have far-reaching consequences in relationships. Its impact on trust, communication, and emotional well-being can extend to the realm of parenting, leading to unequal distribution of responsibilities and default parenting roles. Recognizing and addressing weaponized incompetence is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and creating balanced, supportive parenting partnerships. This dynamic frequently lies at the heart of a couple’s mismatched desire. Yet, desire discrepancy is often the thing that gets the couple into therapy. So, if this is something that plagues your relationship, consider rebalancing household and parenting responsibilities and see if that makes a difference. If not, we’re here for you.

References:

• Fingerman, K. L., & Birditt, K. S. (2011). “We Get By With a Little Help From Our Friends”: Age and Social Network Balancing. In Pathways to Positive Development in Minority Children (pp. 197-214). Springer.
• Julian, T. W., & McKenry, P. C. (1993). Divorce and the Importance of Child Support for Young Children’s Well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 55(1), 93-104.
• Wallace, G., & Anderson, T. (2018). Leaning in and Letting Go: Asymmetrical Provider Dynamics in 21st-Century Breadwinning Families. Journal of Family Issues, 39(14), 3872-3897.